503 , mute the world

Going home now , thinking alot since yesterday . Maybe I'm just too tired . Just can't do anything right . Skipped social lecture today . Hope I won't do badly for the next quiz .

Met up with @joeytsl at 1 , telling about ea other's problem . Disappointment , but what can we do ? It's inevitable yea . I can feel my heart sinking , breaking up into tiny pieces . I saw your back view today , again ... I remembered telling you I don't want to see it again . It hurts seeing you walk away from me . It hurts more to see you feeling fine . It hurts me so much knowing I'm not your priority , not important to you anymore . And tears fall , I fall too ... You remember you said you won't hurt me anymore c saying you'll mend my broken heart ? Whats wrong with me ..? What's wrong ...

502 , incoming tides

17 years trying to be a good girl , grandma once asked "why have you changed ? You were such a good girl then" reason , we have a new family member then . I wanted to much to be in the lime light of the family . Wanted to be treated like a little princess . My studies was good , no one cared . So then after few years I went astray . And still no one cared . All I want is to be a good daughter , good sister , good friend and a good girlfriend . I don't want to be screamed at anymore , I don't want to receive maid-like treatment anymore . I don't want to be crying in the middle of the night regretting my wrongdoings .

It hurts to know someone who has never raised a voice at you , scolded you . It hurts to know someone you love so deeply , hurting you . It hurts to know someone you gave your life to , dob't trust you ... And it's all because of me . I'm just useless , pure useless . I can't achieve anything . Nothing ...

They said , treat people the way you want to be treated . Is it true ? I've always wanted to open th door to surprises every few days . Maybe it's just me ... Everything starts from me ...

501 , sweetest dreams ...

Humans are often oblivious to how they say this and do another .

As a child , I live my life holding hands with my father . Being carried around by my father . Being loved more by my father . I lost my mother's love since 6 , since someone came and took away my position . Being naive and all , thinking its just normal since a new baby came . Soon as I grew , I realised it was not what I thought it is . What I did , what I said would automatically be linked to my father . Being pushed towards my father's care since young , he doted me cause he could he whats happening . Mum didn't love me as much as she did anymore , not anymore . Day by day , as time passes , the love I received from my mother decreased . Trying to teach my brother to be a wonderful and well-mannered kid since young , I was scolded by my mum . Instead of telling him the right thing to do , she slurped as loudly as possible with my brother every time I said to be silent while dining ..

One day , my beloved mother told me this "I promise I'll love you more" . Elated to wait for it to happen but it didn't seem to ... She never told me anything then , never spoke to me . She joked with my sister , my brother but not me . Everyone I tried to tell her what I want , like my siblings , she'll just say "go find your dad". She laughed and joked with them both in my bro's room , and silence immediately upon my entrance . Am I not your girl ? Am I not someone you love anymore . Just wanting basic respect from you as a mother , not those upskirt in from of the incense table , not the pulling up of my shirt , no the pulling down my shirt either . It's feels like I'm being humiliated . Will you ever understand ?

I'm scared of coming home , coming home to different types and level of quarrels . Am tired of all these nonsense . Wont you all ever learn ? To at least give basic respect to the ones you love ? Or maybe you some love me anymore ?